Well, in an unpleasant turn of events, my New Zealand work visa has fallen through. I had been so hopeful that somehow things would work out so I’d get to stay here in this beautiful city I’ve made my home, but after bringing it right up to the wire in terms of timing, my bosses decided not to pursue things further. I received this news while I was waiting in LAX for my flight back to NZ and spent the next 12+ hours alternatively being fine and making future plans and totally freaking out.Visiting Wisconsin for my sister’s wedding helped give me distance and perspective; it helped me come to terms with the reality of getting the visa being incredibly slim, and what would I do after that? But to not even get to try…hurt. While it’s painful, I also recognize I have SO MANY PATHS from which I get to choose! It’s funny/annoying – now that I can’t stay in NZ past the end of October, I’m galvanized into action and haven’t been this productive and pro-active in months! It’s amazing I used to function like this all the time back in New York. It’s exhausting and incredibly stressful. My mind is a whirl of all the research, information, regulations, and possibilities – ie: everything I need to sort out, figure out, and decide.You know what is stressful? Realizing how difficult something you want to do is! Applying for a Chinese Visa – I knew it wouldn’t be as easy as most of my visa work up until now, but good grief! There is so much red tape, legalese, and information that just runs you in circles instead of providing proper insight that I just can’t even. But, when I get overwhelmed (which is often), I remind myself that many people are successful in their Chinese Visa application every day, and I could also be among those ranks – it just might take performing like a circus acrobat to do it. I may even be required to go back to the good ol’ US of A to get it, which is an expensive hassle, but if that’s what it takes…I love Wellington. I love living close to the beaches where I can drive after work, walk along the coast, listen to the softly rolling waves as I read a book. I love the clouds and the mountains and the forests. I love living on a hill and being able to see all across the valley and the giant green screen at WETA. I love the fish and chips shop down the road.  I love my kitchen and my bed. I love the comfort and stability I’ve found here. I feel it being ripped away. And I remember, this was the original plan, after all, so I can’t be angry or sad or upset. But I am angry and upset and sad, and many more complex emotions, because I let myself be enveloped by this magnificent cocoon. And now I’m being evicted and it pisses me off. Not to mention, it’s scary and hard and UNKNOWN. I’ve lost my lust for adventure and exploration – I’ve traded it for a new, plush, safe existence. I wish I had that spark back; that ability to fearlessly (at least mostly, anyway) face the world and strike out on new paths with joy and excitement leading the way. Now I feel I’m dragged, kicking and screaming and sobbing, desperately trying to claw onto the door frame on my way out. 

But you know what? Even though this ending has been rocky, difficult, maddening, and disappointing, I wouldn’t have chosen an easier path. I am GLAD I left New York and moved across the world. I’ve had AMAZING experiences here, and they’ve helped me heal and blossom in new ways. Honestly, I don’t know what the future holds. But so far, I’ve had a 100% success rate of meeting challenges head on and coming out on the other side, wiser and stronger than before. No one said this would be easy, but not everything worth doing IS easy. Sometimes you need to fight for it, even if you don’t know what you’re fighting for. Maybe it’s what you’re fighting against that matters…